it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
