Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
