She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
