Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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