Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You have to summon your inner elephant
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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