hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
