So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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