I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
