i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
