you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
