pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
