dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
