I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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