Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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