I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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