sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
