i may or may not be watching the land before time
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
