Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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