You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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