when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
