i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
