The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
