Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no you cant smoke seaweed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
