I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
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