I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize