Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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