remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize