I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
