True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
