She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
