My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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