There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
