Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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