Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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