You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
