My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
