My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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