my phone needs a breathalizer
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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