i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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