Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
