One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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