I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
