i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
