I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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