Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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