i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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