I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
