yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
