That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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