I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
