and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize