i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
