How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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