one might say we're banned from that church
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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