now i know why i became what i already was.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
