I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
