I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
