i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize