I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
