just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
