Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He did a backflip because drugs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
